In Which Barney Gets Misunderstood
I have ears.
I hear.
I hear quite a lot, actually.
I can't help it.
And sitting in the St. Arbuck's at the airport on Sunday afternoon while awaiting my flight to Las Vegas I heard someone proclaim in an overly loud tone of voice, "Yeah, I'm only here because I got kicked off a cruise ship."
Turning around in my seat to identify the source of the comment, I spotted a forty'ish man sitting at an adjacent table who appeared to be talking to a man and woman standing in line.
He was dressed in green plaid shorts, thong sandals a pink-hued Hawaii shirt and a tan canvass hat.
His black hair was long and uncombed and he had at least a day's worth of stubble on his face.
Even with the mismatched attire and unkempt appearance you could readily see that he was a reasonably attractive man.
I don't know why, but I immediately began to think of him as, "Barney."
His speech was slurred just enough to indicate that at some point during the day Barney had attempted to quench the terrible emotional pain at having been so rudely ejected by consuming large quantities of alcohol.
"Yeah, they didn't want me. So now I'm here. I've been here since ten this morning."
The man in line checked his watch, as I did mine--four PM.
Unbelievably the man in line, who I decided was named "Roger," began to engage Barney in conversation.
"Why did they kick you off?"
"Well," said Barney, "I went on the cruise thinking that it would be a good way to meet women."
"And it wasn't?"
Barney laughed and said rhetorically, "You'd think so, wouldn't you? But it wasn't."
At that point the woman kind of tugged on Roger's sleeve as if to say, "Leave it alone." But he ignored her and said, "So why did they kick you off?"
Barney stared at the passing crowd, sipped his coffee and just when it seemed he hadn't heard Roger's question, or worse yet was ignoring him completely said, "Women just aren't as tolerant as they used to be."
Roger's wife was now whispering something to him that I could only imagine as being, "Would you just come on and order our coffee and leave this guy alone!"
Roger said with a smile, "So you hit on some woman and she didn't like it so she reported you?"
Barney barked out a short, humorless laugh.
"You know, I'm a nice guy. Everyone says so. I mean don't I seem like a nice guy to you?"
Roger's wife rolled her eyes and Roger said, "Well, I don't really know you, of course, but, sure, you seem like a nice guy."
"That's what I was thinking." Barney said raising his arms and letting them flop against the table top. "But that girl didn't want me around her. I tried and tried to convince her that I was a good dude, but she told me to leave her alone and actually cussed at me."
"So you cussed back?"
The question came from Roger's wife who, against all reason was now as fully engaged in the conversation as Roger.
Barney said quickly, "No, no...nothing like that. I don't cuss at women." (Which came out sounding something like, "I don cush-at wimmin.").
Barney continued, "I can take a hint so I stopped asking her to have a drink."
Roger said, "So, if you didn't attack her or cuss at her, then why did you get kicked off the ship?"
"I think it had something to do with being in her room."
"You were in her room?" Roger's wife said incredulously.
"Only for a minute."
"But why?"
"Well, see, I figured out where she was berthed, and I went down to apologize; like, in person, you know, and when I got there the door was open."
Roger said, "So you went in?"
"Well, I kind of pushed the door open and asked if anyone was there. No one said anything so I kind of went inside."
"Oh, my god!" said Roger's wife. "Are you crazy?"
Barney grinned and said, "Apparently, because right about then she came back. Well, I'm in her room, she's standing in the doorway and there was really no way for me to explain things so I said, 'Hi. Wanna get married?' Of course she didn't think it was funny and started screaming like she was being raped, or something."
"And that's how you got kicked off the ship?" Roger said.
"Not exactly."
Roger's wife widened her eyes and said, "You mean there's more?"
Barney finished the last of his coffee and said, "Let me give you a little advice about cruise ships--don't ever try to be funny because they just don't get it. Those ship's security guys who showed up after she started screaming--oh, and she wouldn't let me leave, either--anyway, those guys come, see me in her room with her screaming in the doorway and I was just trying to be funny and everything so I says, 'I had to tell her no more and she went crazy.'"
Roger and his wife looked at each other and then started laughing.
I laughed too.
Barney shook his head and said forlornly, "It's a terrible thing to be so misunderstood."
RG...out!
Comments
Honestly... I think it could be said for a lot of drunks... he's a witty guy, that's for sure. Thanks for sharing the story with us RG
I have the feeling Barney will run into more girls like this one.
Nice write up.